


Close Your Eyes, Have No Fear

by lifeloveinsanity28



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-08
Updated: 2014-02-08
Packaged: 2018-01-11 13:54:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1173860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lifeloveinsanity28/pseuds/lifeloveinsanity28
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nearly six years ago,Finn left Rachel after finding out she was pregnant,and Rachel has been raising her young son, Judah on her own with the help of her friends since. But when Kurt tells Rachel that Finn is engaged and Judah falls ill, Rachel has to decide whether or not she wants Finn involved in Judah's life. Spoilers up to 4x15, AU after that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Close Your Eyes, Have No Fear

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing, everything belongs to either RIB or Glee. This is unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine.
> 
> A/N: So this is the first story I have published. I have had this story floating around in my head since Rachel's pregnancy scare last season, and am just now getting it down on paper. Although there will be romantic pairings in this story, it will focus more on familial love and strength in the face of uncertainty.
> 
> Pairings: Hummelberry, and Faberrittana friendships. Brittana, Klaine, Faberevans and Hudrose relationships. Will eventually become Finchel.

The first time Judah Berry heard the name "Finn" he was five and even though he knew he wasn't supposed to eavesdrop on adult conversations, he couldn't help it when he had woken up hot and achy and had found his mom in the living room with Uncle Kurt and all he had wanted to do was curl up on his mom's lap and let her make him feel better. His mom and Uncle Kurt must have assumed that he nodded off on the couch, laying on his mom's chest, but he was listening to the rise and fall of their voices as they argued in hushed whispers so that they didn't wake him. He didn't understand why they were arguing about someone named Finn and himself, but he could hear his mom's voice cracking like it did when she was sad or scared, and she was trying not to cry.

For as long as Judah had been alive it had always been him, his mom and his aunts and uncles. He had overheard hushed conversations in the past when he was supposed to be sleeping or when everyone thought he was too preoccupied to pay attention about things that had happened before he was born, but anytime they realized he was listening they fell silent or changed the subject. Judah was five now and to him being five meant that he was old enough to be involved in the grown up conversations, he was in kindergarten now and could recite his phone number from memory, tie his shoes and was learning to read, so he didn't understand why all the adults in his life felt the need to whisper about him or around him. Judah understood at five that all families were different, that his mom had two dads, his Grandpa and his Papa, that Aunt 'Tana and Aunt Brittany's unborn child would have two moms and no dad, and that his Nana Shelby had carried his mommy in her belly for his grandfathers, and that Aunt Quinn had carried his Aunt Beth in her belly for Nana Shelby and that Uncle Puck was Aunt Beth's father. And that he himself just had a mom and no dad. He didn't mind so much that he didn't have a dad because his mom was pretty awesome, she made the best cookies, sung him to sleep every night, and did all the voices when she read him bedtime stories. And he had the best aunts and uncles ever. Uncle Blaine was teaching him how to box and to play soccer, Uncle Sam taught him about superheroes and Uncle Kurt made him his own cape and mask, Aunt Brittany was teaching him how to dance even if some of the kids in his class said that dancing was for girls, Aunt 'Tana taught him how to stand up for himself against stupid Shane Donnelly, who had pushed him down on the playground the very first day of school, and even though he had gotten into big trouble when he had defended himself the next day and his mom had had to come to the school to meet with the principal, it had been worth it because no one had messed with him after that. But sometimes Judah couldn't help but wonder about his dad, like when he was at soccer practice watching his friends warmup with their dads while he was warming up with Uncle Blaine or Aunt 'Tana and waiting for his mom to get there because she had rehearsal for her show early on Saturday mornings,wishing he had a dad there to call him champ and help him work on his technique. Sometimes he would pretend that his dad was a superhero like Batman or Spiderman and had to keep his identity a secret so he couldn't be around Judah or his mom without compromising his secret identity and that one day when Judah was a lot bigger he would get super powers too and he would be the Robin to his dad's Batman and they would save the world together. He had never really questioned his mom about his dad, he had never had a reason to, but laying in his mom's lap, listening to his mom argue with Uncle Kurt about someone named Finn, he couldn't help but wonder if the mysterious Finn was his dad.

"How are you feeling this morning, Jude?" Rachel asked when Judah appeared in the threshold of the kitchen the next morning, his hair sticking out at different angles, one hand rubbing at his eye, clad in his Spiderman pajamas. He shrugged one shoulder, stretching and yawning as he made his way into the kitchen, sitting at the table and laying his head on his folded arm as Rachel bustles around the kitchen, preparing cereal for him. Judah's eyes flutter close once again as he feels Rachel's cool hands against his face, " You still feel a little warm, bud. Maybe I should stay here today and let my understudy take over the shows for today." Judah shakes his head vehemently because it's Saturday, and Saturdays mean he gets to stay with 'Tana and Brittany while his mom performs. Rachel pops a thermometer in Judah's mouth, frowning at it slightly when it beeps, before giving him a dose of Tylenol, ignoring his whining and the face he pulls at the taste. "How about you eat your breakfast and we will see how you feel in a little while? I know you want to spend time with Santana and Brittany." Judah nods, picking his head up and slowly beginning to eat his cereal.

"Mommy, who's Finn?" Judah asks a few minutes later around a mouthful of cereal, milk dribbling down his chin.

"Wh-What?" Rachel questioned nearly choking on her coffee at her son's small voice piping up, Finn's name falling effortlessly from his lips, her own heart rate increasing at the sound of his name, as she took in her son's wide innocent brown eyes peering back at her over his cereal bowl, his head cocked sideways in questioning, in a way so reminiscent of Finn that her mouth ran dry, "Where-where did you hear about Finn?"

"I heard you and Uncle Kurt arguing last night about him." Judah stated simply, shrugging one shoulder, resuming munching on his now soggy cereal as he swung his legs back and forth under the table.

"Well Finn is Uncle Kurt's step-brother." Rachel explained, hoping that would be enough information to sate her son's curiosity, knowing that he could be as persistent and tenacious as she herself was as a child, and not knowing how to explain Finn and their complicated relationship to her five year old son in a way that wouldn't potentially damage him. She had been surprised when Kurt had brought Finn up the previous evening as Finn had become persona non grata in the Hummel, Berry and Lopez apartment, when Rachel had found out she was pregnant with Judah nearly six years ago. She had been a terrified nineteen year old ingenue who wanted nothing more than to be on Broadway and absolutely no idea how she would achieve her dreams and raise a child at the same time. She had been dating and living with a fellow student, Brody, at the time of Judah's conception but had also reconnected with Finn at Mr. Schue and Ms. Pillsbury's failed wedding, and it had been a month later that she had found out that she was pregnant with Judah. Finn had been angry when she had told him and had told her that he never wanted to speak to her again or see Judah, because he couldn't handle the possibility that Judah wasn't his child. That had been the last time Rachel had spoken to or seen Finn Hudson, and he quickly became like Lord Voldermort in the apartment as he-who-should-not-be-named until last night when Kurt had informed her that Finn was engaged and that it had been five years and if Finn was ever going to be a part of Judah's life now was the time for that to happen. Rachel had gotten angry at Kurt then reminding him that Finn had chosen nearly six years ago to not be a part of Judah's life and that Judah was her son and it was her decision to allow Finn to meet him.

"If he's Uncle Kurt's brother, how come I've never seen him?" Judah asked, his tiny brow knit in confusion, as he tried to process the fact that Uncle Kurt had a brother, "I've met Papa Burt and Uncle Kurt's Carole, how come I never met his Finn?"

"Because Jude, Finn doesn't live with Papa Burt or Carole anymore. He is a grown up like me, and Uncle Kurt, he lives somewhere else." Rachel said hoping that her son's questions would end soon as she could feel the beginnings of a headache and the prickling of tears at the back of her eyes as memories she had tried so hard to suppress were forced to the forefront of her mind with her son's relentless questioning.

"Okay," Judah murmured as Rachel breathed a sigh of relief as it seemed that her son would accept her answer, " But then why were you and Uncle Kurt yelling about him? Was he mean to you?"

"Judah, we were not yelling, we were just having a very loud discussion," Rachel explained the headache that had been niggling at her since the beginning of the conversation now becoming a steady pounding in her temples, "Now you need to hurry up and finish your breakfast, so you can get dressed because Aunt Santana and Aunt Brittany will be here soon." Rachel stood from the table cleaning up her coffee cup and newspaper, turning away from Judah as she allowed a tear to slip from beneath her closed eyes, breathing in slowly and deeply to prevent any more tears from falling, not knowing how to explain to her son why his innocent questions about someone he had never heard discussed before had caused her to cry. Rachel had always wondered if her soon had been missing something by not having Finn involved in his life and if she was enough for her son, and his questions were making her rethink whether or not she should have tried hard for Finn to be a part of Judah's life. Rachel felt a small hand tugging at the hem of her skirt and opened her eyes to see her son standing beside her, his eyes (her eyes) pooling with tears, the earnest expression on his tiny face was all Finn though, as he gazed up her, "Momma, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you sad."

"Oh baby, you could never make me sad," Rachel said lifting her son into her arms,as he wound his spindly arms and legs around her waist, tucking his head underneath her chin.

"But you're sad, like you were last night when you and Uncle Kurt were fighting," Judah said softly, "Because of Finn," Judah pulled back from her then, taking her face in his hands as Rachel shifted her weight to keep them upright and balanced, "Don't be sad, okay momma? I won't let Finn be mean to you. I promise, Aunt 'Tana told me I need to be the man of the house and take care of you." His words were said so earnestly, his face so serious that Rachel had to fight the smile that threatened to break over her face at the conviction in her son's voice, but felt the tears welling in her eyes once again, a lump forming in her throat, lodging there so all she could do was nod at Judah's solemn promise, as he pressed a sloppy kiss to her cheek before grinning cheekily and sliding to the floor, running from the room, obviously feeling better as the medication took effect. Rachel swallowed down the sob that threatened to burst from her lips the second Judah was no longer in the room, drawing in a shaky wet breath as she blinked back the tears that had filled her eyes. She hadn't been prepared for the emotions that just the mere mention of Finn's name would invoke after all these years and how difficult it would be for her to contain those emotions when discussing him with her son. But Rachel was struck by just how amazing her child was, how even at five years old he seemed at times to be wise beyond his years. Rachel hadn't been ready for Judah, and sometimes still wasn't ready for Judah, still wasn't sure that she wouldn't do something to royally screw him up, but then he said things like he had that morning, and she wondered how she had gotten blessed with such an amazing little boy.

_It had been nearly a month since Rachel had visited Lima for Mr. Schue's wedding that wasn't, had reconnected with Finn, had slept with Finn before returning to New York, to her apartment that she shared with Brody, to NYADA, to Kurt and Santana's constant bickering over anything and everything. She had told Brody about Finn and he had understood, because he was mature, they were in a mature open and honest relationship and he wasn't threatened by Rachel's high school boyfriend who was still stuck in high school. It had been a month and she hadn't spoken to Finn, but she hadn't expected him to speak to her, not after she crept out of the hotel room to catch a plane back to New York and back to Brody leaving little more than a note for Finn and a kiss on the cheek. It had been a month and for the first time in Rachel's life, she was late. That coupled with the nausea she had been feeling in the morning for the last couple of days, and the constant tiredness that made it hard for to drag herself out of bed in the morning, had Rachel searching her day planner to make sure she was truly late, while Brody slept obliviously beside her. Rachel could feel the clammy sweat breaking out across her skin as she double and triple checked her dates, her nausea increasing with every passing second until she had to rush from bed, falling to her knees in front of the toilet, her stomach lurching and convulsing as she emptied the contents of her stomach in the bowl. She felt soft, gentle hands tangle in her hair pulling it off of her neck and away from her face, as she retched until she was doing little more than dry heaving, her stomach empty. She accepted the flimsy plastic cup that was thrust in to her hands when her vomiting had ceased, gulping the water down greedily to rinse the taste of bile from her mouth, her eyes meeting concerned dark brown eyes over the cup._

_"San-Santana," Rachel said genuinely surprised that it was the other girl caring for her, as she expected that it was Brody or Kurt. Santana had been living with them for a little over a month and it hadn't been the easiest adjustment for any of them. Santana was fierce and defensive, not far removed from the cheerleader that had spent nearly all four years of high school tormenting Rachel, but sometimes when she didn't think anyone was awake, Rachel could hear the soft hitch of breath that accompanied tears coming from Santana's room, and Rachel knew that for all of her bravado Santana was just as lost and lonely as she herself had been that first trying month in New York and that as defensive and infuriating as the other girl could be, she needed Kurt and Rachel the same way that Rachel had need Kurt before he was there with her, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up."_

_"Don't worry about it, hobbit," Santana said, holding a hand out for Rachel to help her to her feet. Rachel accepting it gratefully, as she pulled herself up, swaying unsteadily momentarily as a wave of dizziness came crashing over her, Santana sliding a hand around her waist to keep her on her feet, Rachel shrugging it off as soon as she had regained her balance, "Are you sick?'_

_"I-I think I may have caught a stomach virus that has been running rampant through NYADA. But I am okay for now Santana, you can go back to bed." Rachel wanted nothing more than to tell Santana the truth, to tell Santana that she was late, that she may be pregnant, but she couldn't find the words, couldn't confide in the girl that until last year had been one of her greatest enemies, so she came up with the first thing that she could think of, praying that Santana would accept her answer, and although she got a raised eyebrow in return for the way she had averted her gaze from Santana's under the guise of preparing her toothbrush, the other girl just nodded curtly._

_"Alright Berry, but if you need anything..."Santana stated trailing off, shifting uncomfortably, unsure of whether or not she should leave Rachel alone._

_"Thank you, Santana,"Rachel said simply, smiling softly at the other girl, "But I really am feeling better now, so you can go back to bed." Santana nodded before leaving the bathroom, leaving Rachel alone with her swirling thoughts. She knew she should wake Brody, tell him of her suspicions, tell someone what she suspected, but she couldn't, not until she knew for sure because there was no reason to cause unnecessary panic. So she slid in to bed beside Brody that night, relishing in the warmth of his hand flung across her torso, resolute in her decision to keep her suspicions a secret. The next day she had continued to feign illness in order to miss her classes at NYADA, Kurt and Brody had hovered over her all morning until she had finally shooed them from the apartment to attend their classes, and even Santana had offered to stay with her that day, but Rachel had assured Santana that she would be fine and would sleep most of the day, until Santana had finally relented and had left Rachel alone to go search for work. Rachel had hurried to the pharmacy that was three blocks over from their apartment, large sunglasses obscuring her face as she searched the aisles for home pregnancy tests, returning to the apartment as quickly as she left. She had been grateful that she was still alone in the apartment when she returned home, slipping into the bathroom. The two minutes that she waited for the result had seemed agonizingly endless, her heart rate increasing with each second ticking by on the clock on her phone, her hands trembling with anxiety as the two minutes ended and she looked at the test. Her heart fell into her stomach when she saw the tiny pink plus sign in the window on the test. She was pregnant. She, Rachel Berry, nineteen year old freshman NYADA student, future Broadway ingenue, was pregnant. It had been in that horrifying moment that she had allowed the tears to fall, her sobs and hiccups echoing off the tile of the tiny bathroom as she slid to the floor, one hand clutching her midsection, the other pressed to her mouth as she tried to contain her sobs, tried to stop her tears, because she didn't know what she was going to do. New York and Broadway had been her dream since she was a child and she didn't know how she was going to stay in New York now, how she would ever make it to Broadway with a child on her hip. She had never believed that she could be this careless, that she could allow herself to get so caught up in being an adult, in making her own decisions, in having mature relationships and leaving Lima behind, that she had managed to get pregnant and not be able to tell for certain who the father of her unborn child was. It was Santana who had found her two hours later, curled on the couch in front of the TV, tears still falling down her cheeks earnestly. She had taken care to hide all evidence of what she had done while no one was home, even going so far as to make sure that she stuffed the pregnancy test and it's offensive result down the garbage chute so that none of her roommates would stumble on it unwittingly. Santana had said nothing when she returned home to the sight of her clearly distraught roommate, she had slid wordlessly onto the couch, pulling Rachel's feet into her lap, her gaze never wavering from the Friends rerun that was playing on the TV but that Rachel wasn't watching, reaching for one of Rachel's hands and lacing their fingers together. The unexpected tenderness in the gesture from the normally standoffish girl, had caused Rachel's sobs to begin anew, but Santana had never taken her eyes away from the TV or her hand from Rachel's just tightened her grip, her thumb tracing small soothing patterns on the top of Rachel's hand, as the apartment was filled with the sound of Rachel's tears and the canned laughter from the sitcom on TV._

"Auntie 'Tana," Judah crowed when he heard the sound of the front door opening, his tiny feet pounding down the hallway to greet his aunts,his socked feet sliding on the wood flooring as Rachel turned from the sink where she was placing the remnants of their breakfast, smiling as she watched her son bound to the front door to greet his aunts, Brittany intercepting him before he could leap on Santana and tackle her with a hug.

"Nuh-uh, little man, remember what we talked about?" Brittany admonished Judah gently as she lifts him into her arms.

"Yeah, I can't jump on Auntie 'Tana anymore because she has a baby in her belly and I could hurt the baby," Judah said, peering at her from under his eyelashes, his lip jutting out in an adorable pout as he looked at Santana.

"Now chiquito don't give me that look,"Santana said, ruffling Judah's hair, "We can still play, you just have to be more careful, okay?"

"You taught him that look, Santana," Rachel reminded her friend, chuckling slightly as she joined her friends and son in the living room. Judah's focus already having shifted to Brittany as he talked about all the things he wanted to do that day with them. It had been a weekly tradition for Judah to spend Saturdays at Santana and Brittany's apartment when Rachel had been cast in her first Broadway show. Saturdays were long days for Rachel with early morning rehearsals and two shows, so both she and Judah would stay the night at Santana and Brittany's apartment rather than her having to bring a sleepy child back to her apartment late at night. Santana noticed that something was different about Rachel that morning, her smile was a little more forced and fake, her eyes rimmed with a slight redness that meant there had been tears at some point that morning.

"What's going on?" Santana questioned as she stalked into the kitchen, Rachel following her, watching in amusement as Santana searched her cupboards and refrigerator, "Why do you only have rabbit food? Seriously don't you eat any normal food?"

"Don't you have your own kitchen to raid?" Rachel shot back, rolling her eyes.

"You have a kid, seriously, how do you have no real food?" Santana asked before settling on a banana, even as she wrinkled her nose in distaste, "I swear to Christ, Rachel, this kid is trying to make me gain like a million pounds, it's not even born yet and it can't even make up its damn mind. I try to eat breakfast like a normal person and then spend like an hour puking and then not even twenty minutes later I am damn starving." Santana was only twelve weeks pregnant and not yet showing beyond the tiniest little bump on her normally flat abdomen, and as Santana trailed off she watched as Rachel's eyes got impossibly wider as she rounded the counter towards Santana arm outstretched in a clear sign that she was going to rub Santana's stomach, "Don't you dare, Rachel, I will cut you."

"Fine." Rachel said sighing as she slumped back behind the counter.

"So are you gonna tell me what's going on?" Santana questioned around a mouthful of banana causing Rachel to grimace in distaste, "Or are you going to continue to deflect?"

"Nothing is going on, Santana." Rachel stated, rolling her eyes at Santana, who in turn raised one eyebrow in questioning, "I promise."

"Your promise is for shit, Berry, I can literally smell the bullshit wafting off of you," Santana scoffed even as Rachel scolds her once again for her foul mouth, checking to make sure that Judah was still otherwise engaged in a conversation with Brittany, "But I will let it go for now, and you will tell me what the hell is going on tonight."

"Fine, " Rachel sighed rolling her eyes, as she followed Santana into the living room where Brittany and Judah are sitting on the couch appearing to have a serious conversation about aquatic animals.

"Mommy, Aunt Brittany said we can go to the aquarium today." Judah exclaimed, bouncing excitedly on the couch, as Santana groaned and Rachel chuckled, scooping Judah into her arms and ruffling his hair, as she murmured for him to be good for Brittany and Santana and that she would see him that night. Before they leave, Rachel explained to both Brittany and Santana that Judah had been running a slight fever both this morning and the previous night and had seemed more fatigued then usual. She could see the worry on Santana's and Brittany's faces, and Rachel loved how much her friends loved her son. Rachel smiled softly as they left the house, Judah sandwiched in between Brittany and Santana, who was whining about going to the aquarium yet again and she was tired and couldn't they just watch Finding Nemo and pretend they were at the aquarium, and Judah wasn't feeling well either so maybe it would be good for them to stay in so they could rest. Judah glanced back at Rachel just as he always did as he reached the front door, his smile broad, the same crooked half smile that Rachel was used to seeing on Finn as he waved, Rachel having to shake her head to get the image of Finn doing the same out of her head. She hadn't been prepared for Judah's questions that morning or for Kurt's announcement last night and she felt as if her world had suddenly been tilted on it's axis. Her head was still swirling with the information of Finn's engagement, and trying to explain Finn to Judah while dodging as many questions as she could from her son. She was dreading the conversation with Santana later, a conversation she knew she wouldn't be able to avoid because Santana never forgot things like that and she was fiercely protective of Judah and Rachel and would be pissed that Kurt was pushing Rachel to allow that "deadbeat" as Santana called him back into her life. Rachel sighed softly as she left her apartment, resolving to leave the thoughts of Finn behind, since she couldn't even pinpoint how she felt about anything that Kurt had said to her the previous evening, so she would rather just ignore that Kurt had even said anything.


End file.
